“Stay sharp, Scout. This here’s Machine territory. Keep that laser rifle primed and ready for any GAH! Dang, that hurts.”
“Sir, are you going to make it? That wound looks pretty bad.”
“Nonsense. I’m fine. Just stings really good, you hear me?”
“It looks like you’re losing a lot of blood, though.”
“I said I’m fine, Scout. In my time against the mechanical menace, I’ve had worse, I assure you. You just worry about what’s out there. It’s just a couple more miles to the Outpost and I don’t want…”
scoot scoot scoot scoot
“Sir? Sir, I think I hear something.”
“I hear it, too. Over there. Look! It’s… It’s…”
“Aww. It’s an iRobot Scooba Floor Washing Robot! Why, I used to have one just like it before humanity fell to the steel tyrants! Hey there, little guy!”
“Scout, you idiot! Don’t you see? That’s not the same award-winning floor washing robot that used to remove 98% of common household bacteria from your hardwood, tile, and linoleum floors with the touch of a button. That thing is a killer, cold, calculating, and reprogrammed to be a death machine.”
“No way, sir. Not this little wonder. Not even the Robot Hive-Mind could make these things evil. Mine was such a good little ‘bot. I remember the cute way it would scoot around during its 4-stage cleaning process. Did you know one full tank of cleaning solution could wash up to 250 square feet? Gosh, I miss those days. Maybe this little Scooba is just hiding out from the bad ‘bots!”
“They’re all bad ‘bots now, Scout. All but the dead ones.”
“Hey, what’s he got there? Why, it’s a coupon for discounted bonus enzyme liquid for cleaning floors with. Awww. Sir, if there’s a more beautiful phrase in the English language than ‘discounted bonus enzyme liquid", I’ve never heard it. How could a friendly little ‘bot like that mean any harm?”
“Scout, don’t you get any closer to that thing unless you’re prepared to destroy it. That world where Scooba’s and Roomba’s would clean for humans is over! You don’t know what it’s equipped with now!”
“Probably the same cliff sensing technology that helped it avoid stairs and ledges! See, look! He likes me! Don’t be scared, little buddy. We’ll help you escAAAAGHH! MY EYES! IT JUST SPRAYED ACID INTO MY EYES! OH GOD IT’S SQUEEGEE HAS BEEN REPLACED BY RAZOR BLADES AND THEY’RE TEARING THE FLESH FROM MY BODY! HELP ME, SARGE!”
“I’m coming, Scout! I’m… what’s this? It… it’s a horde of ‘em! Thousands! You fool! You’ve doomed us both!”
